Leper

My cousin Bob died yesterday. He was an idiot. You shouldn't bungee jump if you're a leper.

I'm non practicing atheist, every Sunday I go to church.

Just a thought. If Ann Coulter went on a Safari and savages shrunk her head at least her brain would still be the same size.

Woodchipper

My uncle was an Italian magician instead of cutting a woman in half he pushed her through a wood chipper.

I'm pro choice but if you want to ban abortion in case a rape, then you should not kill the fetus and allow the father to live.

Following in Jesus's footsteps can lead to drowning.

Apples

Unfortunately for the Republican Party a few good apples can't unspoil the bunch.

If Lincoln had to deal with Speaker Boehner and the Tea Party he would have shot himself.

Republicans believe the right to life liberty & the pursuit of happiness begins at conception unfortunately they believe it ends at birth.

Small Minds

The government isn't too big. The government just looks bigger because it's filled with so many small minds.

My uncle spontaneously combusted. It was his own fault. You shouldn't be a fire swallower who has acid reflux.

Men might live a long as women if they stop using up so much energy trying to take away women's health care.

Taxes

We don't have to cut rich people's taxes, just make them pay for the middle class's health care.

Today is the first day of the rest of my depression.

It's not a matter of bigger or smaller government. It's a matter of too many small minds in the government.

Optimist

An optimist is someone who is about to be executed and their last thought is: "At least I have my health."

Something's wrong when Republicans try to prevent women's health care, yet allow doctors to write Viagra prescriptions for sheep herders.

Some people want to live life to the fullest. I just want to get through the day without acid reflux.

Living

Getting old is the real cost of living.

I’m depressed paying for my anti depressants.

To me reading non fiction is reading about my medication’s side effects. Fiction is reading about how the medication is going to help me.

Church

If church was really the house of God, you'd think He'd have more comfortable seating.

God definitely is a women which explains why Jesus died wearing clean underwear.

The other night I was bitten by a red neck vampire... He left two gum marks.

Gong Show

The crazy rhetoric from conservative medias is making them sound like losing contestants from the Gong Show.

With the new marijuana laws, Hostess should not go out of business they should just move their plant to Colorado.

Santa Claus was my gateway belief into atheism.

Wage

I think that the only people in this country that deserve to live on minimum wage are members of congress.

My uncle was a Mortician. He saw his work as an art form. His customers didn't appreciate his creativity... He was a cubist.

Trump

If Donald Trump spoke in the forest and there was no one there to hear it, would it still sound as idiotic.

Rush Limbaugh could get an frontal lobotomy on an education loan.

Republicans would deny that life begins at conception if people start asking for Social Security nine months earlier.

Without A Head Part Three can be found here!

Congress

In congress being bi partisan means screwing voters from both parties.

Our leaders might not be so quick to start wars if they had to wait as long as our veterans do to get adequate healthcare.

Congress may fund wars but out veterans pay the price.

If you would like to read my interview with Jackie Martling it can be found here.

Virginia

In Virginia and a few southern states it's not considered rape if the attacker refers to his organ as a vaginal probe.

What I'm best suited for in life is to do things incorrectly.

Behind every good man is a good woman who probably fell for his bullshit.

Dancing

The closest I ever came to dancing was shock treatment.

George Washington was known for not telling a lie and Mitt Romney for not remembering one.

If a woman's body is her temple, then the Republican's believe it's on government property.

Sun Burn

When you get older your skin gets more translucent. I'm at the age now if I fall asleep on someone at the beach they'd get sunburned.

I'm could never be considered a devoted boyfriend. The only way I'd die for a woman I loved is being executed for her murder.

The most disappointing thing in the world is an ugly blonde.

Balance

As I get older I realize there is balance in life. Just as it's become more difficult to meet a pretty woman… my sight has gotten worse.

Just a thought. If people could live forever would there still be a need to believe in God?

Jesus was very jealous. He broke up with his wife because when they made love she kept yelling out his father's name.

Turmoil

All this religious turmoil is scary. Thank God I’m an atheist.

You know you’re getting old when you look in the mirror and see your baby picture.

The NRA believes the right to bear arm is in the Constitution to allow the shooting of people who practice the right of freedom of speech.

Belief

I believe in God, but I'm not a fan.

I was married once. My wife left me. She caught me being distant to another woman.

I'm so old the big bang woke me up.

Question

Just a question. Was Jesus an example of a person who got somewhere because of nepotism?

As you get older everything slows down except for time.

If the Republicans pass a personhood law, at least in the womb females will have the same rights as males.

Looks

I never judge a woman by only her looks. I take into consideration the lighting.

To me the worst view in the world is looking in the mirror.

How brave do you think the KKK will be when global warming makes it too hot for them to wear sheets?

Without a Head

Find Without A Head Part 2 HERE

I feel so insignificant, when I see my reflection in the mirror, I keep thinking it's looking at someone behind me.

I heard in Texas they are trying to allow ballistic reports as voter ID.

The Artie Lang Show

A recent interview on my book Standup Guys A Generation of Laughs: